Raw to Real…My Messy Beautiful

We are taking a slight pause in our 20 healthy tips series, and a little change from my regular posts. I am writing this essay as part of Momastery’s “Messy, Beautiful Warrior’s Project”, which is gathering real stories from bloggers all over. Momastery is a blog written by Glennon Melton that I have been reading for years. I love her writing and have gained so much from her that I felt drawn to be a part of this project, so here goes my Messy Beautiful.

Most of my life, I have been more of a people pleaser. After my daughter was born, almost five years ago, life changed. We had spent the previous 3 1/2 years with my easy-going, laid back son. My pregnancy and delivery was a little rough with her, so maybe we should have known something a little crazy was coming. My little monkey had a rough entry into this brutiful world. Her first couple of years, she cried ALOT. Of course we asked the doctor about her discomfort, and we found out that some babies just cry ALOT. She was adorable and boy did she complete our family, but boy those trenches were tough. I had a rough time getting out of that hole every single day. It was hard, but I knew my husband and babies needed me and they are absolutely everything to me, but the rest of the world…I tried to turn off. I tried hard, but it doesn’t turn off, or even turn down for that matter. I had never felt like this before…ever. I didn’t care about the rest of the world. I had become almost numb to what others thought, which was something that had always mattered to me. Every day was emotional and exhausting. I knew that there were much more severe cases of postpartum depression, because I knew that I would find that light. “This could be worse”, always helps me get through things. There is always someone out there struggling harder than me with something much, much worse.

So over time, about 18-24 months, I made baby steps to get out of this hole. My husband, exercise and prayer were my life supports. Relationships were hard. I didn’t really want them, but thank goodness there were a few relentless people in my life that didn’t leave my side, regardless of how awful I was. Especially my supportive husband and rock who never gave up on me. He endured a lot.

Exercise and prayer. Exercise and prayer. Exercise and prayer. Time passed, she screamed, and there were very few people that she wanted to stay with, or that wanted to stay with her, for that matter. When she was about 10 months old, I headed to the doctor and was told I was in great health. Funny…not really. I just had a little postpartum depression. I didn’t really want medicine, because I believed I could get out of it, and I wanted to know when I was getting out of it. I was afraid if I took something, I would never really know when I was feeling better. I know there is an absolute place for medicine for many people, but it just wasn’t for me at this time.

Exercise and prayer. Exercise and prayer. Exercise, prayer and reading. I started reading books that Glennon recommended through Momastery and they were life changing for me. I have always loved to read, but I had never received so much from a book. Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection  by Brene’ Brown were two of my favorites that were deep and so freeing. As the next year passed, there were little rays of light coming through and small hints of me changing. Life was good, and I knew it. I was grateful, but it was also extremely hard. I found Momastery during this time and I would stay up late and read for hours. Her words made me realize I was ok and what I was feeling was ok. I am thankful she shared so much. Truly thankful. Her writing helped me face some fears and allowed the changes I was feeling to take place. She also reminded me that we can do hard things…oh yes we can. Exercise, prayer, read, and believe. Repeat. This was helping me.

As that year passed, I found myself back at the doctor and was again told that I was in good health. I was a little stronger this time and told them I wasn’t going to accept how I was feeling. After another blood test (a test not in my normal physical), we found I was extremely low in Vitamin D and B12. Aha! I knew I was missing something. Fast forward about 6 months and many mega doses of Vitamin D and getting back on regular Vitamins, I was coming back. Woo hoo!! Lesson learned. Never except that this is just how you are supposed to feel. Make changes…many small changes day after day.

Change is good. After feeling so raw and exposed for so long, it was a little difficult to feel good, be back, and face the world (you know the one that I so desperately tried to turn off). Yes, it was hard, but I had changed and I knew it was for the good. God took me to a tough place knowing what I needed. God is amazing. He brought me closer to him and closer to what really matters. Embrace your story. Embrace who you are. Stop trying to please. Be kind. Help others. Learn to say no. It is ok to say no, especially when it is so that your family comes first. Yes! After God, your family is first. Especially my patient, supportive husband, and of course my crazy kids.

My beautiful daughter that is full-of-life has taught me so much. Be who you are. Be real. Be true. The people that matter will aways love you regardless. They will love and accept ALL of you and support you no matter what. Do this in return for those you love as well. Stop judging. Own your story and support someone else’s story. We all have the right to write our own story. The rest of us have the choice to enjoy, support and be there for each other’s stories, no matter how it was written. Love always wins.

You can find me writing more about faith, family and fitness at Kelley Ranaudo.

Carry On, Warrior.